I'm finding it helpful to talk about it all, and I've been trying to figure out why I smoke(d). It's hard to find an actual reason, which sucks. But it only fuels the fire - I don't want to do this anymore! I know about all the health risks. Who doesn't? I know people get cancer, I know people die. Carrie pointed out that "if information was the answer, it wouldn't be such a problem for people." And she's right! What I'm realizing is that quitting isn't just about the benefits of not smoking, it's also because I don't even know why I started in the first place.
So, a little history of me and smoking:
My first cigarette (pictured below - OMG so gross) was stolen from my mother when I was 10. Occasionally, I'd take a pack from her carton and it would last me months. Honestly, though, I'm pretty sure my addiction began with the first one.
My friend A and I used to head into my backyard and sneak cigarettes because we were just that cool.
I read a book in seventh grade - it's still one of my favorites - that placed importance on a box of Camel cigarettes. Thus they became my preferred brand, although I'd take whatever I could get.
I started smoking more when I hit high school. I knew a handful of places where I could buy cigarettes - at age 14 - and not have any problems. Of course, that also required being friends with driving-age people who also smoked. (Read: BAD INFLUENCES!) But even when my older friends graduated high school and left for college, I continued to smoke.
I've been a pretty heavy smoker now since I was 15...so it's been nearly 12 years. And I can honestly say I never actually liked smoking. I think it just came extra easy to me - I never had the bad reaction that so many people have the first time they smoke. I don't even remember a time when I didn't inhale.
I do know that I always tried to keep it out of other peoples' faces. I would walk away from group settings for my fix, because it wasn't about other people. It was about me and my cravings.
I never liked leaving the group. I like to think I'm stronger than my addiction. And I don't want to be associated with it anymore.
3 comments:
While I was reading this, I randomly got that song "rolling, rolling, rolling, keep those huskies rolling, rawhide..." in my head. Not sure what that has to do with quitting smoking, but perhaps it might be a good battlecry? I don't know. This is what happens when I don't sleep.
Congrats on day 6, and best wishes for day 7, 8 and so on!
Hey Jen! I'm catching up on your last two posts and want to send you lots and lots of encouragement! I know how badly you want to quit and I KNOW you can do it. You are strong, stronger than the cigarettes, stronger than the nicotine. Keep up the good work and feel free to send me an email, FB message, or whatever if you ever need to. I am rooting for you so hard!
As an aside, I stole a pack or two of NOW 100s (gross) from my mom back in like 7th grade. I didn't know how to inhale, but I'm sure I looked cool holding them!
You are doing amazing! Keep going!!!!
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